Therapy Didn't Work for Me… and I'm a Therapist
Okay, I have a confession. I am a therapist. I have a PhD. I founded an entire therapy practice. And I once stayed with a therapist who was completely wrong for me for way, way longer than I should have.
I know. I know.
But here is what I also know: this happens all the time. To regular people and apparently to people with framed clinical licenses on their walls. So let me tell you the story, and more importantly, let me tell you what I wish someone had told me before I wasted all those co-pays.
The setup
I had moved far away from my family. On paper everything was fine, but i reality I was carrying a specific kind of loneliness that is hard to explain because you chose it and it still hurts. I was depressed. I know that now. At the time I just felt heavy and had absolutely no language for it.
So I did the grown-up thing and found a therapist. And when I found out she was a Black woman, I felt genuinely relieved. Finally, I thought. Someone who is going to get it.
She did not get it.
The moment I still think about
I was in her office in actual tears. Not the polite kind. The kind where you are not totally sure you are going to be able to hold it together and you are also not totally sure you care anymore.
I told her about moving away from everyone I loved. About the particular loneliness of being surrounded by a new city that did not know you yet. About scrolling through Facebook at the worst possible moment and seeing photos from a family party back home. Everyone there. Laughing, eating, being together in the way that families are when nobody is missing. Except somebody was missing. Me. And I had not been there for a lot of things, and I was starting to feel the weight of all of them at once.
I told her all of it. Fully. Loudly. With tears that had clearly been waiting a while to come out.
Her response: "So why didn't you just go home?"
Flatly. No warmth. Like I was a math problem with an obvious answer she was waiting for me to figure out.
I remember the specific feeling of shrinking in that chair. The quiet realization that this person thought I was being a little much. I left feeling worse than when I walked in, which, for the record, is the opposite of how therapy is supposed to go.
And then, because I apparently enjoy paying people to make me feel bad, I went back the following week. And the week after that.
I only left when scheduling conflicts made it logistically impossible to continue. Not because I finally stood up for myself. Logistics. And within a few sessions with a new therapist, I felt something I had not felt in months: actually better.
What I learned the hard way
Shared identity is a starting point, not a guarantee. A Black therapist is not automatically your therapist. Neither is a cheap one, a highly rated one, or one your friend swears by. Therapy is a relationship, and some relationships just are not the right fit, no matter how much you want them to be.
The bigger lesson is this: most people stay with the wrong therapist for the same reason I did. Nobody told them they were allowed to leave. So let me be the person who tells you.
You are allowed to leave. Here is how you know it is time.
1. You leave feeling worse, not just uncomfortable.
Hard sessions are a part of the deal. But there is a difference between productive discomfort and the deflated feeling of being dismissed. If you consistently walk out smaller than you walked in, that is a sign.
2. You are editing yourself.
If you are softening your truth, skipping the real parts, or performing a version of yourself that feels acceptable in that room, the room is not safe enough.
3. Your cultural context keeps falling flat.
You should not have to spend half your session translating your experience into something your therapist can understand. And if they keep missing it: that is a fit problem, not a you problem.
4. Nothing has moved in months.
Therapy is not fast, but it is not nothing. If you have been going consistently and genuinely cannot name one thing that has shifted, that is worth paying attention to.
5. You dread going and not because of the work.
Hard-work dread is normal. Therapist-specific dread is information.
What to do next
When you are ready to find someone better, get specific about what did not work. Then search for someone who addresses that directly.
Most directories like Therapy for Black Girls and Psychology Today let you filter by identity and specialty. Look for someone who lists what you are actually going through; whether that is trauma, postpartum changes, ADHD, couples issues, or anger management.
Use the free consultation most therapists offer before committing. Pay attention to how they make you feel in those first few minutes. Your gut is not wrong.
And if you have not considered virtual therapy yet, it is worth thinking about. Being fully virtual means you are not limited to whoever happens to be within driving distance.You can work with any licensed therapist in your state. Same quality of care, significantly larger pool of people to choose from.
The right fit does not have to live near you. They just have to be good.
At Welkin Wellness: every new client starts with a free 15-minute consultation before committing to anything. If after a session or two the fit is not right, we want to know and we will help you find someone who is. We built this practice because we know exactly what the wrong fit costs.
There is a version of therapy where you walk out feeling like someone actually saw you. Where your therapist asks the one question you did not know you needed and something in you just... shifts. Where you leave lighter than you arrived. That version is real. I promise it exists.
It took me way too long and way too many bad sessions to find it. I do not want that for you.
You did not fail at therapy. Therapy, in those moments, failed you. You deserve a therapist who does not.
If any of this sounded familiar, I want you to know there is something better on the other side of it. Welkin Wellness exists because I lived this story and did not want anyone else to stay stuck in it longer than necessary.
We are a Black-led virtual therapy practice serving Maryland, DC, Virginia, and New York. Our clinicians are warm, licensed, and genuinely good at what they do. We accept Aetna, CareFirst, and Cigna, and we offer sliding scale fees because access matters.
Start with the free 15-minute consultation. No commitment. Just a conversation.
